I’ve discovered that there is a small silver lining in tragedy and loss, in that it starkly identifies, with laser-like precision, who and what really matters most in your life.
The process of finding and eliminating the nonsense out of your life can often take years, but automatically fast-tracks when tragedy strikes.
I have found, in this past year since my husband unexpectedly passed, that my grieving weeded out the people in my life who had said they cared about me, but really didn’t when push came to shove.
You always have an inkling in the back of your mind who these people are. These are the ones whose actions scream that they don’t care, even though on the surface they appear to be friends or family. You know, the ones who take their sweet time texting you back, or always say, “we should get together”, but never actually make time for you. The people who you find yourself making all the effort to maintain the relationship.
In your grief journey, you will find that people will drop out of your life, even family members, because it requires too much effort to be around you now. Grief makes most people incredibly uncomfortable, and there are those who will step up and figure out a way to be with the new you as you navigate your devastating reality, and there are those that can’t or simply won’t.
This is good in a way. No more pretending. There are some people you never should have wasted your energy on in the first place. These energy vampires will disappear completely and you should let them. Don’t waste an ounce of your precious time and energy on trying to chase after them.
Then there are those who will hold you at arm’s length now, where you might feel you used to be closer. Let them. With these people, just keep your conversations polite and at surface level, and don’t give them too much of yourself or your heart. Right now you need to preserve and protect your peace and what little energy you have.
In grief you’ll find there’s no longer room for putting on airs. Everything immediately becomes super authentic. You won’t be able to deal with fake or inauthentic people because it simply requires too much energy. Or if, for example, you used to care about having a clean house before you had people over, you won’t care anymore. If you used to make sure you had makeup on before anyone saw you, that doesn’t matter now. Image, ego, and pretense all goes out the window when tragedy strikes. And you’ll quickly recognize who accepts the real you and who doesn’t.
What you’re left with is your core people! These are the ones who love and accept you for who you are, even during the worst time of your life. When life has knocked the breath out of you, these are the ones who see the beauty in your ashes. These are the ones you call at 3am to help you get through your dark night of the soul.
They will drop everything to come be with you, whether you’re having a good day or a bad one. It doesn’t matter, they will take you just as you are because they love you. And you know you’d do the same for them.
Pay attention to who’s coming to bring you food, texting you regularly to check and see if you’re up and out of bed. Who are the ones calling you everyday and every week, month after month? Especially when the funeral is over, and the first couple of weeks go by, the people who are still checking on you and spending time with you are the ones who will get you through this.
I called my best friend who lives a few miles down the road, at 3am when I found my husband. She came running when the paramedics and police came. And she moved into my house and stayed with me that whole first week. Even though she had a husband and kids at home, she didn’t leave me alone in my shock and grief. I don’t know what I would have done without her.
There are others who came and surrounded me with love and support and are still always there for me. I know who I can count on. And there are many who dropped off, including some of my in-laws. And I let them go. I had no choice in being forced to let go of my husband, but in my grief I’m learning that rather than fighting to keep people in my life, I let go of the ones who want to go, and I focus on the ones who love me enough to stay.
I found my tribe in my tragedy. They are my innermost circle. We are small, but we are mighty and priceless! This was the gift in my grief.
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