The 6 Month Mark After Losing My Husband

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Yesterday marked 6 months since my husband died. I got through the day strong by keeping myself busy. I got out of the house, ran errands, and even perused bookstores and artsy places.

But you can’t hide from grief. Grief will not be ignored. The wave crashes over you and floods your heart, soul and lungs until you feel like you can’t breathe, whether you want to feel it or not.

So today I woke up crying. It’s hard to breathe, and I feel like I could die of a broken heart all over again. My brain is reliving the shell shock of it all over again, despite my attempts to silence it.

Then there’s the pressure I put on myself that I should be further along at this point. That I should be doing more, doing better, despite how incredibly far I’ve come. I’ve surprised even myself at how much I’ve done and how much I’ve accomplished over the last few months. I’ve traveled, both by myself and with friends. I’ve had family come stay for a visit a few times. I’ve surmounted Mt. Everest-sized piles of paperwork that somehow magically manifest when someone dies. I’ve navigated countless hours of phone calls getting bills and accounts updated and changed.

I started going to church occasionally. I’ve completed a 14-week grief support class. I’ve made new friends. I even got a new puppy! And all that is just the tip of the iceberg of what I’ve gone through.

But, for my shattered heart, the pain still feels like it happened yesterday. Just seeing his picture or thinking of him forces the air out of my lungs from the crushing weight of all we lost together.

I had a big to-do list for today. Now there’s only 1 thing on my list for today: Survive.

Grief is weird. Grief sucks. Grief is cruel. Grief isn’t fair. It’s said that just the “initial” grief takes the first TWO years to get through. Grief is FULL-TIME and it’s EXHAUSTING. It changes everything about you. I feel like my very DNA has been changed. All of my priorities certainly have. Grief is incredibly slow and arduous. It never goes away. You just have to learn how to carry it.

Studies show that losing your partner in life is the worst pain imaginable. Every other pain in life can be made more bearable if you have your partner by your side.

OK, time to pick myself up by my bootstraps. AGAIN. Thanks for listening. Today I’m having a hard day. Tomorrow I will try again.